Hey gang! So I've spent the last couple years in and out of hospitals for psych, detox, rehab, you name it. One constant upon check-in is that all porn is confiscated. Now, being a veteran hospital resident, I know this. But what would be funnier than having my best friend who drove me to rehab slip an issue of "shaved snizz" magazine into my suitcase.

Totally uncool because I'm high and drunk and detoxing and now have to explain my taste in porn. Even better was the second time I went in for rehab, my buddy knew all security staff was black so he shoves a copy of "Black Tail" magazine in my bag. Nice. To make matters worse, every time this dude visited me in the hospital he'd smuggle in and hide some crazy magazine like hairy assholes or furry twats or midget jugs somewhere in my room for either me or the staff to find..

These events led me to draw a link to today's video porn available. Listen, I come from the days of Edward Penishands and the Flintbones. But today the selections are so much more fucked up than Edward Penishands' five penis fingers on each hand. My first selection is She Said Blow Me. Yes, SHE. Chicks with dicks people. Next, and my favorite, Ass Eating Maniacs. As far as I could gather from the box, it's a bunch of Thai prostitutes eating mens' asses. How 'bout "Big Fat Creampie?". Yes, apparently this gem will allow you to see dudes jizzing into fat chicks after which them blow it all back out onto the dude. Finally, and this one made me wish I was back in high school, "I Wanna Cum Inside Your Mom #11.".

Suffice to say the porno of today unmysteriously tells you exactly what you're getting. If you wanna see dudes cumming inside moms look no further than the come inside your mom series. But what I really miss is the whimsical porn with a hilarious edge of the 80s: Flintbones, Sperminator, Edward Penishands, etc. That's when porn had a plot other than depositing sperm inside the asshole of an Asian prostitute. In the 80s porn was so funny you could laugh yourself to orgasm.